[G1] [Beast Wars] [Beast Machines] [RID] [Armada] [Energon] [Cybertron] [TF:Animated] [TFTM:86] [TFTM:07]
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Moonbase 1. Ironhide is looking into a monitor.
Prime: Report, Ironhide.
Ironhide: Every time I look into a monitor, mah circuits sizzle. When are we gonna start bustin' some Decepti-chops?
Prime: I meant a report of the overall situation, not of your emotional state.
Ironhide: Oh, sorry. Well, the Aerialbots, Protectobots, Sideswipe, Snarl, Omega Supreme, Tracks, Smokescreen, Mirage, Trailbreaker, Warpath, Powerglide and about twenty others are all loaded up for their mission to Beta 4.
Prime: Remind me again why they're going?
Ironhide: 'Cuz Kup thinks that's where he lost his glasses.
Prime: O…K… well, I guess nothing bad will happen while they're gone. Ready the shuttle for launch!
Ironhide: Your days are numbered now, Decepti-creeps!
Ironhide transforms and races to the shuttle.
Prime: Jazz, report status. And I mean the status of security regarding the shuttle launch, not your personal feelings, OK?
Jazz: Uh, yeah, OK. Everything's cool here. Jazz to Moonbase 2. Jazz to Moonbase 2. We're about to send up a shuttle. Any Decepticon shenanigans in your area?
Bumblebee: Yeah, three combiner teams are attacking us with backup from twenty seekers.
Jazz: What!??!
Bumblebee: No, of course there's no 'Cons in the area. You honestly think that if there were I'd keep quiet about it? Maybe you think I'd fight them off on my own?
Spike (from off screen): Hey! I'm here too!
Bumblebee: Damn, his gags fallen out again. Gotta go. [Off screen] Why you little…
Sound of electricity and screaming as message terminates.
Cliffjumper: I think Bumblebee's been alone with Spike too long.
Jazz: Hey if it was me, I'd have shot the little loser out the airlock about two months ago.
Cliffjumper: Shouldn't the scene have shifted back to Prime by now?
Jazz: You mean like-
Prime: All we need now is a little energon and a lot of luck. And my teddy bear. I can't BELIEVE I left him on Earth.
Laserbeak flies off.
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Decepticon HQ, Cybertron.
Shockwave (pointing): Laserbeak returns.
Starscream: Hah! That's half your contribution to the film!
Shockwave: Hypothesis: my agent will hear about this.
Starscream: And you only talk like that in the comic.
Shockwave walks off muttering to himself.
Shockwave: Conclusion: Starscream should have read the script more carefully before agreeing to this film.
Megatron: Ah, Laserbeak. Unlike some of my other warriors, YOU never fail me.
Soundwave: When have I failed you?
Megatron: No, I was looking at Starscream. You were just near him.
Soundwave: Apologies. These wraparound sunglasses distort my vision.
Soundwave transforms and plays back edited highlights of the previous scene on Moonbase 1.
Megatron: Mwaa haaa haaa haaa! Soon we shall have Prime's teddy, and he shall have no choice but to surrender!
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On board the Autobot Shuttle "Certain Death."
Ironhide: Did you fix the Decepticon sensor?
Prowl: No. It was a choice between fixing that and the Slush Puppy maker.
Prowl hands Ironhide a strawberry Slush Puppy.
Ironhide: Good call.
At that moment, the 'Cons blow a hole in the side of the shuttle. "Instruments of Destruction" starts playing.
Brawn: Megatron! Wait, is that my only line? Stuff this, I'm outta here. "The Gobots" are looking to make a comeback, maybe I can get a part in that.
Brawn jumps into an escape pod and ejects.
Megatron: Die Autobots!
Ironhide: What?
Megatron: I said, "Die Autobots!"
Prowl: Sorry, can't make out a word you're saying.
Megatron: Wait a minute. [Turns to Soundwave] Turn that down! No one can hear a thing!
Soundwave adjusts his volume control. "Instruments of Destruction" reduces in volume by 50%.
Megatron: Thank you. Die Autobots!
Prowl (sarcastically): Oh no, I'm so scared!
The 'Cons open fire. Prowl is hit multiple times and falls, flame spewing from his mouth.
Prowl: Jeez, no fair! Eight million years of war, then when we get a movie, they figure out where the kill setting is on their guns!
Prowl dies. Ratchet and Ironhide are shot down, Ratchet dying.
Megatron: This was almost too easy, Starscream.
Starscream: Much easier, mighty Megatron, than attacking the real threat: childrens low attention spans!
Megatron: You're an idiot, Starscream. When we slip by the Autobots defences in one of their own shuttles, we can capture the mighty Teletran 1 and use it to create CGI cartoons about Transformers that turn into animals!
Ironhide: No!
Megatron: Ahh, get off me leg! Jeez, you nearly gave me a laser core attack!
Megatron kills Ironhide.
Megatron: Soon we will destroy Autobot City, and the Autobots will be vanquished forever!
Starscream: But there's only about ten Autobots on Earth. Most of them are on the Moonbases. Let's see, there's Ultra Magnus, Hot Rod, Kup, Springer, Arcee, Blaster, Perceptor, Blurr, Windcharger and Wheeljack on Earth. How is wiping them out going to cripple the entire Autobot army?
Megatron: Ultra Magnus, er, shut up! End the scene!
Soundwave's tape finishes and the shuttle flies towards Earth.
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Earth. Hot Rod and Daniel are fishing. So much for that Autobot respect for all life, huh?
Hot Rod: Fish are really jumping, eh Danno?
Daniel: I guess
Hot Rod: What's the matter? You can tell me.
Daniel: Uh, well, let's see. My mom's dead and my dad is on the other side of the galaxy, where a psychotic robot might kill him at any moment. D'ya think that might have something to do with it?
Hot Rod: Don't worry. Megatron'll never get near Spike.
Daniel: Actually, I was worried about Bumblebee. He's got that kind of crazy look in his eye these days. And the last time I spoke to dad, he said everything was fine, but it was about as convincing as one of those POW videos Saddam Hussein used to release.
Hot Rod: Hmm, maybe someone should relieve Bumblebee from advance lookout duty. He's been there seven years. Still, he's always had company. Let's see, there's been Spike, Gears, Perceptor, Sunstreaker, Powerglide, Slag, and Warpath. They should have kept him sane.
A beeping comes from Daniels shirt pocket. He pulls out a Nokia 10223254i mobile phone. Daniel reads a text message.
Daniel: Oh boy, the shuttle's coming! I think. Actually, the message said "SHTTL CMNG. HT RD SCKS. BLR." I wish Blurr would type properly. Anyway, let's watch it land!
Hot Rod: Talk about dull, Daniel.
Daniel: OK, dull is a word used to describe something that is not interesting. It can also refer to an object that has lost its lustre or shine when-
Hot Rod: I meant, it sounds dull. Anyway, let's go.
Hot Rod's theme music cuts in. Unfortunately, as I've never liked him, it has been changed to "On The Good Ship Lollipop." Daniel falls off his rocketboard thing. Hot Rod allows him to hit the ground at about twenty miles an hour.
Daniel: Arrrrgh! God, that hurts!
Hot Rod: And that's why you should wear proper safety gear. Now get in and let's go.
Hot Rod transforms, and they speed off to Lookout Mountain. Daniel runs to the telescope and focuses on the shuttle.
Daniel: Hot Rod, look! There's a hole in the shuttle!
Hot Rod: Aw, jeez, is Arcee driving again? She always reverses into the Moon coming into orbit. What? Decepticons!
Hot Rod fires on the shuttle.
Kup: Has that boy been at my vintage energon again?
The Decepticons pour out of the shuttle.
Megatron: Attack!
Megatron fires at Lookout Mountain, blasting the observation post off it. Hot Rod holds Daniel as they fall. Blitzwing and Shrapnel are flying around. Blitzwing lands and transforms to tank mode.
Blitzwing: Come on down, the Price is Right! Wait that's not right. Prompt!
A voice whispers from off-stage.
Blitzwing: Come on down, Auto-brat!
As Blitzwing is about to fire, Kup races up and yanks the gun barrel up, causing… aw, you've seen the film, you know what happens.
Hot Rod: Not bad for an old timer.
Kup: Old-timer? *Cough* That's something, *pants, short of breath*
Hot Rod: Take it easy. Breathe.
Kup takes out a hip flask and swigs some energon.
Kup: That's something you'll never be if you don't get back to the city.
Starscream launches a strafing run, missing them completely.
Hot Rod: Nyah! You missed me!
Hot Rod and Kup transform and race to Autobot city. Halfway there, they stop and go back for Daniel
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Autobot City. Perceptor uses his amazing long-range capabilities to spot a massive incoming 'Con army who are already blowing the shit out of Autobot City. Ultra Magnus, Blurr, Springer and Arcee pull up and transform. Perceptor returns to robot mode.
Perceptor: Ultra Magnus! Analysis of the Decepticon capability indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.
Ultra Magnus: In other words?
Springer: We're ****ed.
Arcee: You can't say that!
Springer: Why not? Spike said-
Ultra Magnus: No, that got cut. So keep it clean, ok? Now, you two transform Autobot City. Perceptor, get Blaster to radio Optimus Prime for reinforcements.
Blurr: Whattaboutme,Magnus? Icanhelp,Iwannhelp,whattavoutme?
Ultra Magnus: Uuh, go pop a valium or something. Just stay away from me, you give me a headache.
Springer: Why don't you go alert the others, Blurr?
Ultra Magnus: Yeah, good idea. Let's go!
Ultra Magnus, Perceptor and Blurr rush off. Springer goes to follow Ultra Magnus's orders.
Arcee: Wait! Hot Rod and Kup are still outside the city!
Springer: Uuh, good. If that little SOB gets killed, I can get the lead role. Come on!
Arcee and Springer go and start the fantastic Autobot City transformation sequence. Meanwhile, Blurr is trying to alert Wheeljack and Windcharger.
Blurr: Lookout,there'sDecepticonsattacking!
Wheeljack and Windcharger: Wha?
Blurr: They'rerightbehindyou,lookout!
Wheeljack: Could you say that any slower? I just can't understand you.
Blurr (speaking slowly with obvious great effort): Look… out… there's… Decepticons… attacking… They… are… right… behind… you… look… out!
Wheeljack: Oh. Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Blurr throws himself to cover as Thundercracker and Skywarp swoop down and ruthlessly machinegun the two Autobots. Wheeljack and Windcharger are both shot repeatedly and die.
Blurr: Damnit,whydoesthisalwayhappenwhenItrytohelp?
In a turret, Blaster is shooting at the attacking 'Cons. Perceptor enters through a floor hatch.
Blaster: Yo, Perceptor. What's shaking over this fortress?
Perceptor (confused): We're under attack. Have you not noticed the vast army of Decepticons who have arrived with the express purpose of turning us into spare parts for a 1983 Skoda?
Blaster: Uh, yeah. What do ya want?
Perceptor: Ultra Magnus sends word to contact Optimus Prime on Moonbase 2.
Blaster: Isn't Prime on Moonbase 1? Ah, whatever.
Blaster taps out a sequence on the keyboard, then transforms.
Blaster: Optimus Prime. HELP!!! Get down here NOW!
Perceptor: Very informative, Blaster.
Blaster: I think it gets the point across.
Blaster continues to transmit the same message.
Megatron: Soundwave, jam that transmission!
Soundwave throws a jar of strawberry jam at the transmission dish and giggles.
Megatron: Two points. One, that isn't very funny. Two, you nicked it from "Spaceballs." Now stop messing about!
Soundwave: Alright. Rumble, Frenzy, Ravage, Ratbat. Eject. Operation: Wolf. I mean, interference.
The tapes eject, transform and fly towards the source of the transmission.
Rumble: I didn't know you could fly, Ravage.
Ravage: Frankly it comes as just as much of a shock to me, old boy. Thought I was a ground-lubber, but here I am, don't you know?
Frenzy: I didn't know you could talk either.
Ravage: Oops. I mean, raaah.
The tapes land on the tower.
Rumble: First we crack the shell, then we crack the nuts inside!
Rumble and Frenzy use their piledrivers to shatter the glass roof.
Perceptor: I told Ultra Magnus we should have used armour plate for that roof, but would he listen? Noo. "It makes a design statement," he said. Yes, it says we're sitting ducks, please come and kill us!
The tapes start attacking Perceptor. Blaster ejects his own tapes to counter-attack.
Perceptor: Do you think you got through to Prime?
Blaster: Let's hope so, or we're all going to look like someone tried to kit bash us into resembling a Morris Minor.
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Inside, Arcee is rather uselessly moving corpses around. Springer is trying to move a missile launcher into place.
Springer: C'mon, Arcee. We've gotta get this launcher into place. Megatron's making his big push and we've gotta push back.
Hot Rod, Kup and Daniel run in.
Kup: Keep at it, Springer my boy. Help's at hand.
Springer (sarcastically): Oh good.
They all begin pushing the launcher. After five seconds, Kup is too exhausted to carry on, and slumps against the wall panting, coughing and swigging from his flask.
Arcee: We were afraid you'd got trapped outside the city.
Hot Rod: Hey, I wasn't worried for an astro-second.
Kup: You lying little sod. You nearly short-circuited yourself when you saw those two Insecticons!
Hot Rod: Shut up!
The launcher is moved into place. Daniel climbs to a viewing port as Megatron orders the Constructicons to combine.
Daniel: Kup! Look!
Kup walks over with the aid of a zimmer frame he has pulled from subspace.
Kup: No, can't see. I've only got my reading glasses with me. I think I left me others on Beta 4.
Hot Rod: It's Devastator. Now get out the way, we've got to shoot through that hole.
Devastator starts pounding on Autobot City. Springer loads the missile launcher.
Devastator: Prepare for a serious butt-kicking.
Springer: I've got better things to do tonight than die.
Hot Rod: Like what?
Springer: Well, I've ordered a takeaway, and they've got the Gobots Rock Lord movie on. I thought me and Arcee could watch it and…
Springer winks at Arcee, who blushes and giggles.
Kup: Uh, could you maybe fire on the giant robot about to kill us?
Springer: Wha? Oh, yeah, sure.
Springer fires repeatedly at Devastator before the 'Con lobs a chunk of debris at them, causing the missile stockpile to explode. The 'Bots run from the explosion.
Hot Rod (in flat monotone): Oh no. Daniel appears to have died in the blast.
Springer (in same unconcerned voice): What a tragedy. How will we go on?
Daniel: Hey, over here! Arcee got me out safe!
Hot Rod: Gee, thanks Arcee.
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The battle rages on for several hours. But nothing really interesting happens, so we'll cut to:
Megatron: Their defenses are broken! Let the slaughter begin!
Devastator: Oh, are we back on? Hang on, I'll be right there.
Devastator throws down his cigarette and starts ripping open Autobot City. At that moment, an Autobot shuttle flies over, piloted by Prime and Sunstreaker.
Prime: No! Teddy's in that building! Dinobots, destroy Devastator!
Grimlock: What? You Prime must be kidding. Devastator always kicks our Dino-butts.
Prime: Uh, look behind you!
Grimlock: What?
Grimlock turns round. When he does, Prime shoves him out of the shuttle. The other Dinobots follow.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock too gullible. Dinobots, transform!
The Dinobots start attacking Devastator. They use a new tactic, where Sludge stands behind Devastator whilst Grimlock and Slag push him over.
The shuttle has landed and Autobots who won't be seen ever again are pouring out.
Prime: Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost. Hound, put the music over the PA system.
Prime transforms as "The Touch" blares from the shuttles speakers. He drives over the dam, into the advancing 'Con forces.
Ramjet: Hey, watch where you're going!
Prime transforms and hangs impressively in the air for someone who can't fly.
Prime: And you thought "The Matrix" invented that bullet-time malarky.
After gunning down in ten seconds more 'Cons than the Autobot army had managed in several hours, Prime is face to face with Megatron.
Megatron: Prime!
Prime: That's the name, don't wear it out. One shall stand, one shall fall.
Megatron: Why throw away your life so wrecklessly?
Prime: That's a question you should ask yourself.
Megatron (in Cartman voice): No! I'll kick you in the nuts.
They fight. Yadda yadda, you know how the fight goes. Megatron ends up on his knees, Prime has his rifle levelled, obviously (and let's make this quite clear) needing NO help. Megatron spots a pistol on the ground.
Megatron: Grant me mercy, Optimus Prime, I beg of you!
Prime: You who are without mercy, now plead for it? You're a little bitch!
As Megatron reaches the gun, Hot Rod throws himself forwards.
Hot Rod: No you don't, Megatron!
Hot Rod and Megatron grapple for several seconds, Hot Rod blocking Prime's shot.
Prime: Get out the damn way, crazy fool!
Megatron wins the grapple with Hot Rod and shoots Prime repeatedly.
Megatron: Fall! Fall!
Megatron throws Hot Rod aside, unfortunately not killing him, and stands over Prime.
Megatron:I would have waited an eternity for this. It's over, Prime!
Prime: Is it heck. Stitch this!
Prime launches a double-handed punch that throws Megatron off the ledge. Prime staggers over to the edge and looks down at Megatron.
Prime: That first step's a killer!
Prime staggers and starts to fall. Hot Rod catches him.
Hot Rod: Optimus, forgive me.
Prime: Are you mad? I had Megatron right where I wanted him until you leapt in. Get stuffed!
The 'Cons gather around Megatron.
Starscream: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
Starscream pokes Megatron in the eye.
Starscream: Astrotrain, transform and get us out of here!
Astrotrain: What, all of you? How big do you think I am?
Starscream: Just get on with it!
Astrotrain transforms into a train that is somehow big enough to accommodate the entire 'Con army.
Megatron: Don't leave me, Soundwave.
Soundwave: I wasn't going to. I mean, we may have to have a fresh look at our relationship, but… oh, I see what you mean.
Soundwave carries Megatron onto Astrotrain, who takes off.
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The medical facility in Autobot City. None of the 'Bots we all know and love from Season 1 and 2 are present apart from the dying Prime. (Yes, I know Perceptor was in Season 2, but I don't like him.)
Perceptor: I'm afraid the wounds are fatal.
Daniel: Prime, you can't die!
Prime: I think I'm about to prove you wrong. But do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the Matrix.
Hot Rod: Prime.
Prime: Would someone get that little git out of here? It's his fault I'm dying!
Ultra Magnus throws Hot Rod out of the room.
Prime: Ultra Magnus, it is to you, old friend who I have never met before this moment, I shall pass the Matrix of Leadership, as it was passed to me.
Ultra Magnus: Prime, I'm just a soldier, I'm not worthy.
Prime: Oh, OK. Springer, you seem like a pretty groovy guy. Whaddya say? Fancy being leader?
Ultra Magnus: Uh, that was just false modesty. I'll take the Matrix.
Prime: OK, whatever.
Prime opens his chest cavity and starts to pass the Matrix to Ultra Magnus. As he does, the door opens.
Hot Rod: Is he dead yet?
Prime: Wah!
Prime jumps and drops the Matrix. Hot Rod launches a dive the length of the room, knocking the other 'Bots flying and catches the Matrix. He stands and hands it to Ultra Magnus. Ultra Magnus takes the matrix with one hand whilst punching Hot Rod with the other. He places the matrix in his chest cavity.
Prime: Til the pubs open.
Prime dies. Daniel starts blubbing, and the 'Bots start beating seven shades of oil waste out of Hot Rod.
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In space, Astrotrain is en route to Cybertron.
Astrotrain: Jettison some weight, or we'll never make it to Cybertron.
Dirge: Um, we're in space. Weight has no meaning. What are you talking about?
Astrotrain: Look, it's a plot device. Boot some 'Cons out, or there's going to be a big chunk of this film missing.
Starscream: Fine. Fellow Decepticons. Astrotrain has requested we lighten our burden.
Constructicon (I really don't care which one): In that case I say it is survival of the fittest.
Starscream: Do I hear a second on that?
All healthy 'Cons: Aye!
Starscream: And against?
The guys who look like unsuccessful kitbash attempts: Neigh.
Starscream: The ayes have it.
The healthy 'Cons throw the others into space. Starscream carries Megatron to the hatch.
Megatron: Wait, I still function.
Starscream: Oh, OK.
Starscream turns away from the hatch.
Megatron: Really?
Starscream: Psyche! I was just messing with ya.
Starscream throws Megatron out of the hatch. Megatron tries to yell, but sound doesn't travel in a vacuum, so no one hears it.
Starscream: As Megatron has, how shall we say, departed, I nominate myself as the new leader.
Constructicon (could be same as before, but who cares?): Wait, the Constructicons form Devastator, the most powerful robot. We should rule!
Combaticons and Stunticons: What about us?
Soundwave: Soundwave superior, Constructicons inferior.
Astrotrain: If you want to get home, I think I'M the new leader.
'Cons discuss this amongst themselves for a moment.
'Cons: Hail Astrotrain!
Astrotrain flies on to Cybertron.
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Megatron and co are floating in space. But what's this? It's the planet-sized plot device Unicron!!!
Megatron and the dying Decepticons float toward Unicron.
Unicron: Megatron --- Megatron --- Welcome, Megatron.
Megatron: Who... Who said that?
Unicron: I am Unicron.
Megatron: Show yourself.
Unicron: I'm the size of a planet, how can you not see me?
Megatron: Lost my glasses fighting Prime.
Unicron: Oh. Anyway, I have summoned you here for a purpose.
Megatron: Nobody summons Megatron.
Unicron: Then it pleases me to make you my bitch.
Megatron: State your business.
Unicron: Well, I have a 20% stake in Microsoft, I own three taxi companies and the bagel shop is doing well. But that is irrelevant. This is my command. You are to destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. It is the one thing, the only thing, that can stand in my way.
Megatron: You have nothing to fear. I have already crushed Optimus Prime with my bare hands.
Unicron: You exaggerate.
Megatron: The point is he's dead, and the Matrix died with him!
Unicron: No. The point is you're a dick! The Matrix has been passed to their new leader, Ultra Magnus. Destroy it for me.
Megatron: Why should I? What's in it for me?
Unicron: Your bargaining posture is highly dubious.
Megatron: You want me to kill Ultra Magnus? At the moment I'd have trouble giving Bumblebee a Chinese burn!
Unicron: Very well, I will provide you with a new body, and new troops to command.
Megatron: And?
Unicron: What else do you want?
Megatron: Maximum of 35-hour week, 30 days holiday, medical cover, company car, personal assistant-
Unicron: You're union, aren't you?
Megatron: Yep.
Unicron: Crap. How about 40 hour week and 25 days holiday.
Megatron: Get knotted.
Unicron: You belong to me now.
Megatron: I belong to nobody!
Unicron: Perhaps I misjudged you. (Starts playing S Club 7) Proceed on your way to oblivion.
Megatron (Attempting to ram an Insecticon in each ear): NO! No! No! I accept your terms! I accept! Aaaargh!
Unicron: Excellent.
A fantastic, futuristic (for 1986) grid replaces the space backdrop. It covers Megatron as he is built into…
Unicron: Behold: Galvatron! And these shall be your minions. Scourge, the tracker, and his huntsmen, the sweeps.
Some of the 'Cons are formed into a glove puppet dogs, who start squeaking and squirting each other with water pistols.
Galvatron: That would be Sweeps as in "Sooty and…?"
Unicron: You got a problem with that?
Galvatron: No. Not at all. (Under breath) Nutter.
Unicron: Cyclonus, the warrior, and his armada.
(Discharges a spaceship.) And this shall be your ship. Now go. Destroy the Autobot Matrix.
Galvatron: I will rip open Ultra Magnus, and every other Autobot, until the Matrix has been destroyed. To Cybertron!
Galvatron flies to his ship, firing his particle cannon behind him.
Unicron: Oi! Stop firing that! What do you think I am, a near limitless source of energy? (Reads entry for "Unicron" in "The Transformers Universe) Oh, I am. Kewl.
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Cybertron, Decepticon Hall of Heroes. Or villains, to be more accurate. The 'Cons are following the ancient ritual for inauguration of a new leader: they are getting very drunk.
Astrotrain: Get on with the ceremony.
The 'Cons ignore him.
Astrotrain: Oh, come on, guys. This is a serious moment.
The Constructicons attempt to blow a fanfare on their bugles. Unfortunately they are too drunk, and all that comes out is a "Pffsssssh!" sound. The Constructicons start laughing and fall over.
Astrotrain: Why did I want to lead this bunch of losers?
Cyclonus, in jet mode, flies in. Galvatron jumps out, only to trip over Frenzy. He leaps back to his feet. Cyclonus and Scourge pretend they haven't noticed their leaders pratfall.
Astrotrain: Who disrupts my coronation?
Galvatron: Coronation, uh, Astrotrain?
Galvatron looks at Cyclonus who pulls out a copy of "The Transformers: The Movie Shooting Script." Cyclonus scans through it for a moment then throws it away and shrugs.
Galvatron: This is bad comedy.
Scourge: He's not kidding.
Cyclonus: Is that joke obligatory in a TF:TM parody?
Scourge: Yep.
Cyclonus: Oh.
Astrotrain: Megatron, is that you?
Galvatron: Here's a Smint!
Astrotrain: A Smint?
Galvatron: Yes, a Smint! (Turns to camera with a fixed cheesy grin and holding a packet of Smints in his left hand) Failing to conquer the galaxy and crush your enemies to dust can leave a nasty taste in your mouth. But now there's a low-calorie treat to have your breath as fresh as a morning breeze. That's Smints, available now at all good confectioners!
Astrotrain, Cyclonus and Scourge are bewildered by this and stand with their mouths open. Galvatron swings back to Astrotrain and transforms to a laser cannon.
Astrotrain: No no no! Wait! This is just the technical rehearsal to make sure the lighting's all right. I'm standing in for… uh…
Astrotrain looks desperately around for someone sober enough to believably be 'Con leader. He looks briefly at Soundwave, until Soundwave walks into a wall owing to his faceplate now being over his eyes, not his mouth. At that moment, Starscream walks out of the toilets, surprising all those who expected him to come out of the closet.
Astrotrain: Starscream! Starscream killed you then usurped your rightful place.
Astrotrain throws the crown at Starscream.
Starscream: Wha…? Hey, do we have any more toilet roll? Those damn energon burritos really clear you out. Best give it five minutes before going in there.
Galvatron: You traitor!
Starscream: Who? What? When? Where?
Galvatron blasts Starscream to pieces. Starscreams ghost hovers over his remains.
Ghost: I will have my revenge on you!
The ghost floats away.
Galvatron: Hah! That's the last we'll see of him! Ghosts in Transformers? I think not!
Scourge throws away a copy of "The Transformers: Season Three Synopsis" he is reading. He tries to act nonchalant, but has one of those "the boss ain't gonna like this" faces.
Galvatron: Will anyone else attempt to fill his shoes?
Rumble: What'd he *HIC*shay hish name wash?
Galvatron: Galvatron!
Soundwave: I'll drink to that!
The 'Cons continue getting wasted. Galvatron silently wonders why he bothered coming back at all.
Unicron approaches Moon Base One.
Jazz: Where'd that come from?
Cliffjumper: Who cares? I'm more worried about where it's going!
Jazz: Talk to me, Earth. We've got a situation out here.
At Autobot City, Grapple and Hoist are assessing the damage.
Grapple: Weeeeell, it's gonna be a big job. Can't promise nothing before Wednesday week.
Magnus: But you can fix it.
Hoist: Oh yeah, no problem. Gonna cost you though.
Magnus: How much?
Grapple and Hoist hunch over a clipboard, scribbling figures and calculations. Finally, they hand a slip of paper with the cost on to Magnus.
Magnus: HOW MUCH?!!? We could almost buy our own ship for that.
Springer: Wha…?
Magnus: Sorry, wrong film. I mean, that's extortionate!
Grapple: Well (looks around conspiratorially, then leans towards Magnus and lowers his voice) we might be able to knock something off for cash.
Magnus: But you're Autobots! You're not supposed to charge for anything! You're a part of this army!
Perceptor: Speaking of which, Ultra Magnus, I believe the normal state of affairs is for soldiers to receive recompense for their services in an armed force.
Magnus: Say what?
Springer: Soldiers normally get paid. Which is a good point, because I've been at this for about eight million years. I reckon I'm owed about-
Jazz (voice being received by Blaster): Roger me! Wilco me! anything! Hello, hello, Earth.
Blaster (Transforming to radio mode): I'm picking up a faint signal.
Magnus (under breath): Thank Primus for that.
Blaster: Can you read me? If you can, I've got no problem with wilco but I refuse, repeat REFUSE to roger you. Do you copy?
Jazz (voice): This is Jazz. A gi-normous, weird-looking planet just showed up in the suburbs of Cybertron.
Cliffjumper: And it's attacking Moon Base One.
The signal is lost.
Magnus: Jazz! Cliffjumper!
Unicron is consuming Moon Base One. Jazz and Cliffjumper are in an escape craft. Like that's gonna help.
Jazz: Got to blast free, if we can.
Cliffjumper: Ignition and...
Jazz: Hit it!
The ship starts into space, but soon is drawn towards Unicron. Well d'uh!
Cliffjumper: Jazz! We're not getting away!
Jazz: How are the Autobots gonna manage without your amazing observational and analytical skills?
Unicron sucks the ship in along with the rest of Moon Base One.
----------------
Earth, where Spike and Bumblebee are seen on a monitor. Spike is tied to a chair and has a black eye.
Spike: This is Spike and Bumblebee, up here on Moon Base Two.
Bumblebee: Quiet you! This thing, this monster planet, just ripped the first moon to shreds.
Spike: ...and it's heading this way.
Bumblebee: If I have to tell you again… (Waves electric cattle prod menacingly) We'll try and slow it down.
Spike: But you better get here fast, because we're not going to...
Bumblebee zaps Spike with the prod. The signal is mercifully lost before we can see any more
Daniel: Dad!
-----------
Moon Base Two
Bumblebee is setting up a time bomb which will destroy the moon in 20 seconds.
Spike: Bumblebee, activate the explosives and let me go! (To himself): If this doesn't stop it, nothing will.
Bumblebee: The explosives are activated. So long, sucker!
Bumblebee runs into a shuttle. Spike just manages to get onboard unnoticed before the hatch closes, hampered by being tied to a chair. Just as Unicron brings the moon inside himself, the moon explodes. All that is seen is a large cloud of smoke and debris.)
Bumblebee & Spike (Alternating): All right! Hooray! We did it! We done it! Way to go! Ha, ha, ha!
Bumblebee (noticing Spike): How the heck did you get in here?
With a gutteral cry, Bumblebee throws himself at Spike and begins to choke him, Homer and Bart style. As the smoke outside clears, Unicron emerges unscathed.
Spike: It isn't even dented! What are we going to do now?
Bumblebee: This!
The ship is pulled toward Unicron as Bumblebee starts hitting Spike with a rubber truncheon
Bumblebee: We're being sucked into it!
The ship is drawn into Unicron.
----------
Decepticon Hall of Various Ne'er Do Wells
Galvatron: How dare, Unicron! Cybertron and all it's moons belong to me!
S Club Juniors starts playing.
Scourge: But remember, we belong to him.
Galvatron: I belong to nobody. (The "music" gets louder and he tumbles to the ground. Then he rips a Sweeps arms off and uses them as ear plugs) Arrrrgh! I will obey, Unicron. (The music ceases and he gets up.) Decepticons, to Earth.
Cyclonus: Does that include them?
Cyclonus indicates the drunken 'Cons.
Galvatron: Er, better make that just the new guys.
---------------
Autobot City
Magnus: Autobots, prepare to board the shuttles This new menace is more dangerous than all the Decepticons put together. Somehow we must destroy it before it devours Cybertron.
Daniel: But what about my dad? He... he's on the moon between that monster planet and Cybertron. And he's trapped with Bumblebee.
Magnus: Daniel, we'll do everything we can for Spike.
Springer: And what are we going to do when we get there? That thing crunches moons, it'll make short work of us.
Magnus: Maybe the matrix can stop it.
Hot Rod: You're right; it can!
Kup: What do you know about it, lad?
Hot Rod: I've just got this feeling.
Sideswipe: Feel this!
Sideswipe catches Hot Rod with a gorgeous uppercut, knocking him to the ground. The 'Bots proceed to administer a thorough kicking.
Springer (Points into sky): Look!
Galvatron and the new Decepticons invade. Lasers fly every where.
Magnus: To the shuttles!
Magnus and the new 'Bots run to the shuttles. The season 1 and 2 characters realise the futility of trying to escape aircraft by flying, and race off into the monutains.
Galvatron (Piloting Cyclonus): I, Galvatron, will crush you, just as Megatron crushed Prime.
Magnus: Actually, didn't Megatron only win because Hot Rod got in the way?
Magnus fires at Hot Rod, who ducks. The blast ricochets of some debris and hits Cyclonus.
Galvatron: Ugh! Autobot scrap!
Scourge: Do you want me to gut Ultra Magnus?
Galvatron: There are plenty of Autobots for you. Magnus is mine!
Arcee (Grabbing Daniel away from Decepticon fire): Stay close to me, Daniel.
Hot Rod: And you better stay close to me.
Arcee (Pushing Hot Rod into Cyclonus' line of fire): No, you better stay away from me, you Prime killer!
Hot Rod dances to avoid the rapid laserfire.
Hot Rod: Aaaargh! Jeez, it was an ACCIDENT!
At the Autobot shuttles, Blurr pushes Grimlock, who is reluctant to board the ship. Even his feeble brain has determined that trying to launch a space shuttle whilst being strafed by the 'cons is a bad idea.
Blurr: NiceDino, goodDino, sweetDino, wouldn'tyoustepinthenicespaceshipforBlurr? Prettyplease? Prettyprettyprettyplease? NiceDino, good Dino, withacherryandsugarandwhippedcreamontop? NiceDino, goodDino, sweet Dino?
Grimlock: Blurr give Grimlock migraine. Me bash brains!
The Dinobots start to pummel Blurr.
Magnus: Blurr, get the Dinobots in the shuttle.
Blurr (dodging Dinobots): I'mtryingtogetthemintheshuttle, UltraMagnus, causeIknowwecan'tlaunchtheshuttleuntilwegetthemintheshuttle, butIcan'tseemtogetthemintheshuttlebecausethe y'reimpossible, impossible, impossible!
Magnus holds his head, then takes a couple of Aspirin.
Magnus: Okay, forget it. Kup,Hot Rod, you get the Dinobots aboard and get out of here!
Hot Rod (Lassoing Grimlock and dragging him aboard shuttle): Come on, you big bozo, get in the shuttle.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no take orders from boy who kill Optimus!
The Dinobots open a can of whup ass on Hot Rod. They are finally lured aboard the shuttle by Kup with a portable TV showing the Teletubbies.
Dinobots (singing): Teleteubbies! Telestubbies! Say ay oh. Ay oh!
Inside the shuttle, Kup and Hot Rod make for the pilots seats.
Kup: This reminds me of the strip club on Alpha 9. The Petro-bunny girls were... Grimlock, get your noodle out of my face!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock love Kup's sex stories.
Kup: Later! (To Hot Rod) Engage the boosters, for Cybertron's sake! And try not to kill anyone whilst you're doing it!
Hot Rod: Stop bringing that up!
Grimlock: Tell Grimlock about Petro-bunny girls again.
Kup: I'll give you petro-bunny girls. Contact!
The first shuttle takes off. Springer and Daniel are entering the other shuttle.
Springer: Looks like we're shipmates, squirt.
Daniel: All right!
Springer: But if you get spacesick, you're going to walk home.
Daniel laughs.
Springer: I'm not joking.
Magnus: Hurry.
Springer pulls the controls to start the ship down the runway.
Daniel: Wait, Magnus! Arcee's still out there!
Magnus: Yes! Result! Perceptor, more power to the engines!
Springer (Reaching his hand out to Arcee): Jump!
Arcee jumps for Springers hand, which he pulls back at the last moment.
Springer: Ooh, close, but no cigar.
Arcee manages to grap hold of the hatch and pull herself onboard
Arcee (sarcastically): Thanks.
Daniel: Whew. That was close.
Springer: Believe it or not, this is the fun part.
Arcee: How?
Springer: We left the booze on Earth. We're gonna have to be sober for the rest of this film.
--------------
Space. The two Autobot shuttles. The first has gray trim and contains Hot Rod, Kup and the Dinobots. The other has red trim and contains the others: Magnus, Springer, Arcee, Blurr, Perceptor and Daniel.
Magnus: Congratulations, Autobots, we've lost them. So rest while you can.
Kup: Yep, I remember the dust was so thick off Beta 4, you had to use windshield wipers on your optic sensors. That was one badly run lapdancing joint.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock know all about wipers, want to hear good part of story.
Swoop: Good part, Kup. Tell Swoop good part.
Kup: Okay, okay. Well, the dust was really thick. And then this enormous android of Eccentrica Gallumbits came tromping and stomping down the mountain, breast units bouncing. And I thought for sure...
Hot Rod (diverted from his combat practice with the Auto-combatant): Hey, Kup, don't you think we have better things to do now than tell old stories?
Kup: Like what?
Hot Rod: Like try to figure out how we're going to rescue our friends, and then save Cybertron.
Grimlock: No. Tell story.
Other Dinobots: Ssssh. Quiet. We want to hear story. Tell story, tell story.
(Hot Rod shrugs, and is struck from behind from the Auto-combatant.)
Auto-combatant:
Luckily for Hot Rod, Galvatron attacks before the droid can decapitate him. Galvatron fires magnetic torpedoes at the gray shuttle.
Hot Rod: They're closing on us.
Kup: Yep, like the shrikebats of Dromedon.
Hot Rod: How'd you beat them?
Kup: I'm trying to remember. We were very drunk that day. Oh, yeah! We inverted polarities.
Hot Rod uses the ship's controls to change the magnetic pull of the torpedoes.
Hot Rod: They're coming back!
Kup: Yeah, that happened on Dromedon too. In the end we used a couple of minibots as decoys and legged it.
The torpedoes explode before hitting the ship.
Hot Rod: All right! We survived that.
Kup: Yeah, but will we survive this?
Galvatron opens a launch bay on his ship
Galvatron: Cyclonus, transform and attack.
Cyclonus, in jet mode, fires upon the shuttle, damaging the flight systems.
Kup: I can't control it!
Hot Rod: You never could! Three femme-bots and a water bed! You dirty old...
Kup: I mean the ship!
The shuttle crashes on an alien world.
------------
Cut to red shuttle.
Springer: Kup and Hot Rod just bought it.
Magnus: So at least today hasn't been all bad.
Springer: Face it, Magnus. The Decepticons are going to dog us until they see us dead. If only Hound were here to do his hologram trick. Again.
Magnus: Hmm. Maybe I can pull off a similarly unconvincing trick. Prepare for emergency separation!
Perceptor: That's too dangerous!
Magnus: What choice do we have?
Perceptor: Surrender?
Magnus slaps Perceptor and presses a few buttons. The shuttle's cockpit disengages from the rest of it.
Galvatron fires more magnetic torpedoes, which destroy the red shuttle.
Scourge: The Autobots have been terminated.
Galvatron: Excellent. And the Matrix with them. (Hear'Say starts playing.) Aaaah! No! Unicron! Why? Take me to Unicron! Take me now! Ahh, oh!
-------------
Aboard the Autobot escape craft.
Magnus: Jeez, that new guy is dumb.
Arcee: Did you have to let them detonate three-quarters of the ship?
Springer: Seeing as how they would have detonated four quarters, I think it was a good choice.
Arcee: But now how are we going to get there in this wreck?
Magnus: Perceptor, can you locate a place to set down for repairs?
Perceptor: Gamma rays in this sector of space create marginal navigation probabilities-
Magnus starts smashing Perceptor's head of the bulkhead.
Perceptor: However... ahem, yes. I believe I can. he planet of junk is in this vicinity.
Magnus: Then let's go for it.
------------
Planet Quintessa, underwater
Hot Rod: Kup! Grimlock! Slag! Anybody!
Hot Rod is hostage to a mechanical plant. Good god, how low is this film going to sink. What next, mechanical mice? Robot mould? Oh no, it's robotic fish which sense Hot Rod's presence and veer toward him for their food. Sadly, Hot Rod retracts his left hand and exposes a circular saw which he uses to free himself and slice the fish before they can make the film infinitely better by slowly eating him alive.
Kup: Hot Rod, help me!
Hot Rod: Kup... Kup!
Kup: Help...
Kup is in the grip of a robot squid, for crying out loud! Why? Hot Rod fights the squid and rescues Kup, who falls to the sea floor with parts missing.
Hot Rod: Kup, talk to me.
Kup: F…f…fix me.
Hot Rod: Sure, Kup. Just gonna read this months Playbot and I'll get right on it.
---------------
Planet Junkion. The shuttle swoops in low.
Magnus: Brace for impact.
The Autobot escape craft lands uncontrollably on Junkion.
Magnus: Say something. Anybody.
Arcee: Get your hand OFF there!
Springer: Sorry, I blacked out when we hit. I must have been thrown on to you in the crash.
Arcee: Daniel?
Daniel: I, I'm okay.
Magnus: Let's try to salvage this thing.
Daniel: Can I help too?
Springer: Hmm, small feeble human versus giant metal planet with unbreathable atmosphere. And our survey says… UH-UH!
Arcee: I think Daniel can make himself useful with this. It was Spike's Exo-Suit.
Daniel: Dad's Exo-Suit! He told me all about it.
Arcee: Here, try it on. (She puts Daniel in the Exo-Suit.) Now try to walk. Come on, you can do it.
Springer: Just think about what you want to do before you do it.
Daniel (Staggering): It's kind of tricky. Woah!
Daniel falls over. Springer is in the corner giggling and manipulating a remote control labelled "Exo-Suit: Emergency Override."
Arcee: Keep on practicing. You'll get the hang of it.
Magnus: Come on, showtime's over. We've got work to do.
Daniel:
Springer: Ultra Magnus *giggles* don't know. Must be a crossed circuit.
Junkions emerge from the planet's garbage-covered surface.
Wreck-Gar: Stop, thief! No welcome-wagon hello stranger with that good coffee flavor for you.
Junkion: What the heck does that mean?
Wreck-Gar: No idea, but the tourists expect it.
-------------------
Back on Quintessa, the galaxy's biggest robot aquarium, Hot Rod completes the repairs on Kup.
Hot Rod: That does it. So, what do you think?
Kup: Of all the circuit-glitched diode-blowin' dimwittery. You left a peice out!
Hot Rod: No way; you're just a little stiff.
Hot Rod giggles as he hides a chunk of circuitry behind his back.
Kup: Anyway, all things considered, you've done an amazing job, lad. Amazing.
Hot Rod: Really?
Kup: No. You put my legs on backwards.
Hot Rod: Oops, sorry. Better fix that. (Under breath) I hoped he wouldn't notice that.
Hot Rod puts Kup's legs back correctly.
Kup: Now let's find the Dinobots and get off this twisted planet.
They transform and drive until they reach a river bank. A pack of Sharkticons rise out.
Kup: Don't act hostile; I'll use the universal greeting.
Hot Rod: "Universal greeting"?
Kup: Watch. I'll have them eating out of my hand: Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?
Hot Rod: Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going??
Sharkticons: Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?
Kup: See? The universal greeting works every time. Now, without making any sudden moves, offer them an energon goodie.
Kup opens a metal box and feeds energon to the Sharkticons. Hot Rod proceeds to also.
Hot Rod: This is getting expensive.
Kup: Don't worry. They'll reciprocate. Or throw up. Either way, we're winners.
(The Sharkticons make hand gestures to request more.)
Hot Rod: I thought they were supposed to reciprocate. No more.
Kup: Empty.
The Sharkticons capture Hot Rod and Kup and lead them to a structure. Wheelie witnesses the event. Not that he does anything to help, the whiny little...
Kup: Reminds me of the Nitith Massage Parlour on Galganas 7.
Hot Rod: Every place reminds you of someplace else.
Kup: I travelled a lot in my gap year. You should learn to appreciate it.
Hot Rod: A lot of good it's done us so far. (looks to one side.) Hey, what's going on over there?
Kup (with eyes closed): Drunken orgy! Please let it be a drunken orgy!
Quintesson Leader: Has the Imperial Magistrate delivered a verdict?
Quintesson Judge: I have.
Quintesson Leader: Guilty or innocent?
Quintesson Judge: Innocent.
Quintesson Leader: Feed him to the Sharkticons.
(An escapee from Lithone stands on a platform. A Quintesson gatekeeper pulls a lever. The platform falls from under the Lithonian and he falls into a pool filled with Sharkticons, who tear him to shreds.)
Lithonian: This one looks like my agent! Aaaaaaah!
Quintesson Judge: Ha, ha ha ha ha! (Changes heads.) Heh, heh heh heh heh! (Changes heads.) Have you seen it? (Changes heads.) Where's me washboard? (Changes heads.)
Hot Rod: We've got to get a new travel agent.
Kup: Some clean underwear. I think I oiled myself.
Hot Rod: Aw, jeez!
Sharkticons (Locking Kup and Hot Rod in a cell): Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?
Hot Rod: What is this place?
Kup: Based on my years of experience, I'd say it's a prison cell.
Hot Rod: I was thinking more along the lines of what planet this is? Is there a resistance cell to implausibly rescue us at the last minute? Where can a guy get a drink around here?
Kranix: This is the world of the savage Sharkticons, and their cruel masters, the Quintessons. I am Kranix. My planet was destroyed by Unicron.
Hot Rod: Unicron. Who's Unicron?
Kranix: A planet that devours everything in its path.
Kup: So that's the monster's name.
Hot Rod: Could just be Phil Jupitus on tour.
Kup: Or for American readers, Dom deLuise on tour.
Sharkticons escort Kranix to trial.
Kranix: No, please! I'm the last survivor of Lithone! No, no!
Hot Rod: Let him go!
Sharkticons: Oh, ok. Not!
Quintesson Guard: Soon you too shall receive your sentence.
Quintesson Leader: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?
Quintesson Judge: I have.
Quintesson Leader: Guilty or innocent?
Kranix: Spare me this mockery of justice! Or get me the guy who defended O.J.!
Quintesson Leader: I repeat, guilty or innocent?
Quintesson Judge: Innocent.
The platform below Kranix's feet falls from beneath him and he falls into the Sharkticon pit.
Kup: Not the end I'd wish for, lad.
Hot Rod: What would you wish for?
Kup: Pleasure circuit overload induce by eight femme-bots, a jacuzzi and a vat of baby oil.
Hot Rod: Like I need THAT image of you in my head.
--------------
Quintessa, Elsewhere. (Yes, that should be capitalised. The Dinos are passing through the village of Elsewhere, to the town of Nowhere.) Swoop rejoins the other Dinobots after searching for Kup and Hot Rod.
Swoop: Me Swoop no see nothing.
Grimlock: Try taking off dumb sunglasses.
Swoop: But me Swoop flyer! Flyers have to wear Ray Bans!
Sludge: Me Sludge think Swoop watch "Top Gun" too often.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock positive Hot Rod and Kup close. Can smell Kup. Why old 'bots always smell of oil waste?
Slag: Me Slag say you full of beryllium bologna.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say you full of cesium salami.
Slag: Beryllium bologna!
Wheelie: Friend find, look behind.
Grimlock: Who say that?
Wheelie: Friend find, look behind. You go wrong way. You fool I say.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock fool?
Wheelie: Picture you got. No fool you not. Heh heh. Heh heh heh!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no like you. (Strikes Wheelie.)
Slag: Me Slag think no one like him.
(Wheelie puts a heated rock in his slingshot and hits Grimlock in the nose.)
Grimlock: Ow! Why boy hit my nose?
Wheelie: Wheelie say find friends today.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say we on our way.
Slag: Me Slag say we melt boy once we find Hot Rod and Kup.
--------------
Unicron, somewhere in space.
Galvatron: Unicron, why did you torture me?
Unicron: You have failed. And it was funny.
Galvatron: No, Unicron. Magnus is dead, and the Matrix destroyed.
Unicron: The Matrix has not been destroyed, and Ultra Magnus lives on the planet of junk. Stalk him. Tear him apart, and destroy the Matrix. Then pick up some milk.
--------------
On Junkion, the Autobots are repairing the damage to the shuttle.
Perceptor: Be sure the fittings are securely welded.
Blurr: Absolutelypositivelydefinitely. Iwouldn'tdoitanyotherway, anyotherwayatall.
Daniel: Woah, this Exo-Suit's fantastic. I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.
At that moment, the Exo-Suit leaps twenty feet stright up in the air, then comes back down headfirst. Daniel is stuck in the ground, legs waving in the air. Arcee pulls him out whilst glaring at Spinger, who hides the remote controller behinf his back hurridly.
Wreck-Gar: Forward, avanti, and like, go for the gusto. --- Hold on. That was complete gibberish. Get the writer on the phone!
The Decepticon army returns.
Magnus: Decepticons! We've got to draw them off and double back to the shuttle.
Galvatron, inside Cyclonus, fires missiles on the shuttle, destroying it.
Springer: There goes the shuttle.
Daniel: What do I do?
Blurr: Transformtransform. YoucandoitIknowyoucandoityoucandoit.
Daniel: Transform.
Scavenger: Human germ.
Daniel: Transform.
At that moment, Springer trips and drops the remote. It lands on a rock and deactivates the switch marked "Transform Sequence Lockout." The Exo-Suit transforms into car mode and Daniel runs Scavenger down.
Daniel: Yeah, ha ha!
Scavenger: This is not helping my headache!
Magnus: Make a break for cover. I'll try and unleash the power of the Matrix.
Autobots: Till the pubs open!
Magnus: Till the pubs open. (attempts to open Matrix.) Open, damn it, open! Prime, you said the matrix will light our darkest hour.
Prime (voice): Did I say you would open it? No. Listen in future.
Galvatron: Magnus, I want the Matrix.
Magnus: Never!
Galvatron: Sweeps, exterminate him.
The Sweeps shoot Magnus with water pistols before attaching strings of sausages to his limbs and pulling.
Magnus: Uh, uhhhhhh...
Galvatron: Die. Die!
Magnus is ripped apart and the Matrix lands in Galvatron's hand.
Cyclonus: Good catch!
Galvatron: Unicron, my master, with this I shall make you my slave.
Cut to Unicron.
Unicron (In sing-song voice): That's what you think!
------------
Quintessa: stoopid robot fish and mockeries of justice a speciality!
Quintesson Leader: Before his Imperial Magistrate delivers a verdict, would you like to beg for your lives? It sometimes helps, but not often.
Kup: I can't transform.
Hot Rod: Now would be a great time for a Quintesson Scarlet Pimpernel to appear.
Quintesson Judge: Silence, or you will be held in contempt of this court.
Hot Rod: I have nothing but contempt of this court.
Kup: Good comeback.
Quintesson Leader: Guilty or innocent?
Quintesson Judge: Innocent.
Kup and Hot Rod are dropped into the Sharkticon pit.
Hot Rod: They've got more Sharkticons than we've got photon charges.
Kup: We've got an ammo limit? Since when? Well, let's hold a demolition derby.
Hot Rod and Kup in vehicle modes ride around the pool's rim, creating a whirlpool. The Sharkticons head for land to control their mobility. The Autobots ride around the surface, running through the packs of Sharkticons.
Hot Rod: Ha ha ha, didn't even bend a fender, ha ha.
Kup: Yeah, but look. There's a lot more of those can-diggin' grill-crackin' things.
They fend off the Sharkticons with laserfire and Kup using one of their tails. Which when you think about it is like ripping a guys leg off then attacking his friend with it. No wonder the Sharkticons are pissed.
Hot Rod: We can't hold out forever, Kup, but we can give them one humongous repair bill!
Quintesson Leader: Execute them...
The Dinobots smash through the door, which lands on the Quintesson.
Slag: Excuse me.
Quint Leader: No, not at all. Accidents will happen.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock want to get better lines. Sick of being sterotyped as big action hero. Ah, well.
The Dinos do what they do best and decimate the Sharkticons.
Hot Rod: Ha, ha. I never thought I'd be glad to see those big bozos.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say if you going to be like that, we leaving.
Hot Rod: No! Sorry, I didn't mean it.
Quintesson Judge: Sharkticons, execute them.
Grimlock (Stomping foot): Me Grimlock say execute them.
The Sharkticons attack the Quintessons.
Kup: I think the problems on this planet will be solved very shortly.
Hot Rod: Yeah, but what about our problems? We need a ship. And a beer.
Wheelie: You get ship if I get trip.
Hot Rod: Who are you?
Grimlock: Him Wheelie. Him... friend too strong a word. Him annoying little guy, but me let him live.
Hot Rod: I'll let him live too if he can find a ship. And keeps that whiney voice quiet.
Wheelie: Ship: Stare over there.
Kup: That's a ship?
Hot Rod: Who cares, as long as it flies.
They pile on to the ship.
Hot Rod: Oh no. Not you, shorty. You're riding outside.
They tie Wheelie to the outside of the ship, then blast off.
----------
Junkion
Arcee: Ultra Magnus.
Blurr: WithouttheMatrixthereisnohope, nohope, nohope, nohopeatall.
Arcee: First Prime, now Ultra Magnus. What'll we do?
Daniel: Look!
The Junkions attack the Autobots.
Springer: Three words: Worst. Day. EVER.
Wreck-Gar: Don't look behind door number two, Monty. It's time to play End of the Line, My Valentine. Geroni-doo-ron-ron-ronimo!
The Autobots battle the Junkions, who repair themselves easily if damaged.
Springer: It's not hard to knock 'em down, it's getting them to stay down that's the trick.
Daniel: They're indestructible, and they're everywhere!
Springer: Right! Stitch this!
Springer goes ape with his sword, chopping a Junkion into 32451958 parts.
Springer: *Pants* Whew. Let's see you… repair that.
The Junkion reforms.
Springer: Aaaaaaaargh!
Wreck-Gar: You check in, but you don't check out.
Springer fights Wreck-Gar, each with respective blade. Daniel knocks out Wreck-Gar from behind with a beam.
Springer: Would I rather have died than be saved by Daniel? Tough call.
Another ship lands on Junkion. As it does there is a cry from Wheelie.
Kup: Maybe we shouldn't have tied him to the landing gear.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no see problem.
Wreck-Gar (Recovering): Steady as she goes, Bob. Snoopy visitors get mud in the eye, by and by. You ain't seen me, right?
Arcee: It's Hot Rod! Get him!
Daniel: And Kup and the Dinobots.
Springer: Fine, they can help!
The 'Bots greet Hot Rod with a savage beating. Once they are done, the Junkions cautiously advance. Kup raises a rifle he's got from somewhere.
Hot Rod: Guns aren't exactly friendly.
Kup: Neither are they, in case you haven't noticed.
Hot Rod (To Kup): What was that universal greeting again? Never mind; I remember. (To Wreck-Gar) Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?
Wreck-Gar: "Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?"?
Hot Rod: Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?
Junkions: "Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?"?
The Junkions find this mindless even by their standards and start attacking Hot Rod. The 'Bots join in. This forms a bond between the two groups and they are soon partying. Which is pretty freaky when you consider the day the 'Bots have had. Not to mention that their new leader lies in pieces a few feet away. One Junkion kisses Grimlock. As all the Junkions appear to be male, I find this disturbing.
Grimlock: Ugh! Me Grimlock not bender. Me Grimlock king.
Wreck-Gar: Have a nice day and where's me washboard! So say the Junkions.
Hot Rod: Where'd you learn to talk like that?
Wreck-Gar: TV. We talk TV, especially The Fast Show. You talk some TV?
Kup: I talk some TV : I'll get me coat. Arse!
Junkions: Wotcha mate! 'Ow's it going?
Wreck-Gar: By George, Kimosabes, your smashed-up friend soon like brand new with 90-day warranty.
The Junkions repair Magnus.
Wreck-Gar: Happy motoring. Suits you, sir!
Autobots: Look, he's alive. I don't believe it.
Magnus: You're all alive.
Hot Rod: The Matrix...
Magnus: Aw, dammnit. I hoped you were dead. Anyway, it's gone.
Kup: And with it, all hope.
Hot Rod: No!
Arcee: Galvatron has it.
Hot Rod: Where's Galvatron? Where is he?
Wreck-Gar: And the answer is: Unicron.
Hot Rod: Then we've got to destroy Unicron!
Springer: Ultra Magnus, I think I'm coming down with something, maybe I should stay here?
Wreck-Gar: Yes, friends, act now; destroy Unicron. We were very, very drunk. Boutros Boutros Ghali. Hurry, hurry, hurry, sale must end. Rush right on down and test-drive latest model with no obligation.
(Wreck-Gar presses some buttons on a control panel and a spaceship rises from the planet's surface.)
Wreck-Gar: New improved Junkion planet is sleek, sexy import with turbo handling.
Junkions: Yeah! Destroy Unicron! We were very, very drunk! Boutros boutros Ghali! Yeah! Destroy Unicron! We were very, very drunk! Boutros boutros Ghali! Yeah! Destroy Unicron! We were very, very drunk! Boutros boutros Ghali!
Springer: No, really, I'll just slow you down. And I think I've splintered my pancreas.
Everyone boards their respective ships and leave for Unicron. Once they've gone, a Junkion comes out of hiding.
Junkion: Thank goodness. Now they've gone, I can drop the ridiculous TV talk and enjoy a little culture.
Junkion settles down to read "War and Peace."
--------------
Unicron, Vicinity of Cybertron, just outside the carpark.
Galvatron: Unicron! Unicron! Answer me! See this: the Matrix. I now possess that which you most fear!
Unicron (sarcstically): Oh no. The fear. I'm all a-tremble.
Galvatron: You'll do my bidding, or taste my wrath!
Galvatron fumbles with the Matrix in a manner which suggest he's never got a femme-bots bra off.
Unicron: You underestimate me, Galvatron. (Transforms to robot.) For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little planet, Cybertron. But now you shall witness me lay the smack down on it.
Galvatron: Noooooo!
Unicron suplexes Cybertron. Galvatron transforms and fires at Unicron. This has no effect, and Unicron swallows him.
Unicron: Hmm, minty fresh.
Galvatron (fading as he falls into Unicron): No, Sminty fresh!
Shockwave: Decepticons, we're under attack. Scramble! (Shockwave pulls out his mobile phone and calls his agent) Jay? Hi, Shockers. Look, I've had two lines in this whole damn film. It was you who pushed me to do this. The GoBots producers were offering a lead role, but noooo. You said go with the Transformers… You can get me a part in Transformers: Energon? Ok… Yeah, I don't mind wearing prosthetics… ok, let's talk…
-------------
The ships containing the Junkions and Autobots arrive.
Springer: I don't believe it.
Hot Rod: Doesn't this remind you of anything, Kup?
Kup: Nope. Never seen anything like it before.
Camera pans round to reveal Kup and Hot Rod are watching a computer monitor, where three femme-bots are… well… let's just say, enjoying each others company. Intimately.
Magnus: Guys. We're here.
Kup: Wha? Oh, right. Hmm, kinda reminds me of Devastator attacking Autobot city. Scaled up, of course.
Daniel: What happened to Moon Base Two? Where's my dad?
Hot Rod: That's what we're going to find out.
Hot Rod's dramatic moment is ruined by his theme music, "On The Good Ship Lollipop" kicking in.
Hot Rod: ***damnit, even the writer's got it in for me!
Unicron breathes fire upon the Junkion ship.
Wreck-Gar: ... and enamel. Resists fire, rain and corrosion for up to five years. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Junkions: Which is nice!
Unicron breathes fire on the Autobot ship, which careens out of control through Unicron's eye. Hot Rod becomes lost from the others.
Daniel: Where's Hot Rod?
Springer: I don't care, but I hope they got him. (Points to advancing robotic tentacles.)
Arcee: Quick, this way.
---------
Cut to Hot Rod who can see the Matrix glowing in the dark.
Hot Rod: The Matrix!
Galvatron: It will do you no good, Autobot. It can not be opened.
Hot Rod: Not by a Decepticon.
Galvatron: Like it or not, we are allies now against a common foe. (Gareth Gates starts singing) Aaaaaaah!
Unicron: Destroy him Galvatron, now, or you yourself shall be obliterated.
Galvatron: Of course, my master.
Like the great warrior he is, Hot Rod hides.
Galvatron: Puny Autobot. You lack even Prime's courage. Or a convincing disguise. What the hell is that suppoesed to be anyway?
--------------
Cut to the Dinos.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock kick butt.
The Dinos do just this, causing minor damage to Unicron's rear. They flee before Unicron can grab them.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock need new strategy.
Unicron: Aaargh! Me Chalfonts! Anyone got any Anusol?
----------
Cut to Autobots and Daniel running. Daniel falls, and is grabbed by a tentacle.
Daniel: Help! Help! Oh, god, the pain! I'll never be able to have children!
Arcee: Daniel, you misread that bit. You were grabbed by a TENTACLE.
Daniel: Oh, thank god.
Arcee shoots at the tentacle. A poorly aimed shot hits a wall. Water gushes from the side of the wall, flooding the passage.
Daniel: Arcee! Kup!
Springer: Hey, what about me? I am so unappreciated!
Daniel is separated from the Autobots and washes up by the acid pool which is melting captured Transformers.
Transformers in pool: At least we're not going to be in Season 3. That would really suck.
Daniel: Dad!
Spike (Hanging above pool): Daniel!
Daniel: Dad, what can I do?
Spike: Knock down the acid cover.
Daniel: How?
Spike: Blast it, son!
Daniel: No need to swear.
Spike (through gritted teeth): I mean, blast the cover with a gun.
Daniel: But I don't have a gun.
Spike: Use your Exo-Suit. Hurry!
Daniel fumbles with the controls about as effectively as Galvatron with a bra. More by luck than judgement, he activates a blaster and fires at the cover, knocking it closed, just as Spike and the other Autobots are dropped.
Spike: Daniel! You did it!
Daniel: Yeah. I did it!
Cliffjumper: We've been saved by humans. I am never gonna live this down.
Bumblebee: Don't worry, I think I can convince them not to mention it. Just remove their trousers and bring me a bucket of soapy frogs.
Spike: Oh no. Not the frogs again.
----------
Mercifully, we return to Galvatron at this point.
Galvatron: Come out, Autobot. We all must die sometime.
Hot Rod: Not today, Galvatron!
Hot Rod punches Galvatron, then runs away. Galvatron transforms and fires at him. Hot Rod shoots back, then decides to transform. Somehow, he has decided that headlights are a good weapon to use against a sodding great particle cannon. Somewhat unsurprisingly, Galvatron captures Hot Rod and starts to squeeze his neck.
Galvatron: I will crush you with my bare hands. Die, Autobot.
There is an inexplicable cut in the film. Am I the only one who notices?
Galvatron: First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, and now you. It's a pity you Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense of satisfaction. Now...
Hot Rod instinctively grabs the Matrix which gives him the power to stand up.
Optimus Prime (Voice): Arise, Gimp Bunnyarse.
Gimp Bunnyarse: Optimus? Uh, shouldn't that be "Rodimus Prime?"
Prime: Like I'm going to give you a cool name after you killed me!
Gimp: Oh man! Is anyone ever going to let up about that?
Galvatron: No!
Gimp Bunnyarse: This is the end of the road Galvatron.
Gimp Bunnyarse tries to lift Galvatron and throw him into space. Next, Gimp Bunnyarse tries to open the Matrix. He fails on both accounts
Gimp: Wha…?
Sideswipe: You think you get to be leader after all you've done? Guess again!
Sideswipe decks Gimp with a right hook, lobs Galvatron into space, then opens the Matrix
Sideswipe: Now, light our darkest hour.
Prime: That's better! Arise, Swipimus Prime!
Cuts to interior and exterior views of Unicron, unable to stop the chain reaction of explosions caused by the Matrix's power. He pulls off his own leg in an attempt to stop the chain reaction.
Unicron: That's gonna sting tomorrow.
Cut to re-uniting Autobots inside Unicron.
Springer: Spike, Daniel.
Spike: What's going on?
Springer: No time to answer that now. Let's get out of here.
Daniel: Look! (Points to Gimp Bunnyarse.)
Gimp Bunnyarse: Autobots, transform and roll out.
Swipimus: My line, Gimp Bunnyarse!
Autobots: Bunnyarse?!!?
Springer: Kinda suits him.
Kup: I knew you'd be an an embarressment, lad.
Swipimus: Autobots, transform and roll out!
Swipimus transforms into a really cool Lamborgini Countach lorry! The Autobots escape from Unicron.
Unicron: I... hate... you guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys!
Unicron explodes, sending his head into orbit.
Cybertron, just outside "Snarl's Bar and Grill." What? What explanation of YOU got for where he was?
Swipimus: Let this mark the end of the film as we march forward to a new age of violence and 'Con bashing. Till the pubs open!
Bunnyarse: Can I get a better name now?
Arcee: How about Flange McDoodle?
Springer: Buttukk Spredder.
Bunnyarse: Guys…
Magnus: Curiously Bent.
Cut to full view of Cybertron. Unicron's head orbits the planet.
Unicron: Well, things could have gone better. At least I'm not in Season 3. (Reads contract) Noooooooo!!!
--------------------
Well, there it is, in all its completed glory. Hope you enjoy. Till the pubs open!
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